Let's Get Personal: So What Am I Doing Now?

Hello, remaining readers of this blog (i.e. my mom)! So this is my first post after being on hiatus for so long. It took a while for me to figure out what it would be. I was thinking I would do a cumulative "Favorite Songs of 2014" post earlier this year, but I had a hectic start to 2015 since I both started a new job and moved to a new place. Now that I'm more settled in, I definitely want to start writing again.

What I look like now if you weren't already aware.This is the same face I make in every selfie and I always make sure to include a marine animal.

One of my lovely business fraternity littles asked if I could do her little a favor by writing an alumni article for the newsletter. I initially planned to write a puff piece talking about what a fantastic time I've had since graduating last May. Though I am having a fantastic time now, I had to overcome some post-grad malaise to be where I am today. The final draft of this article came out a lot more personal than I thought it would, but I feel it's one of the strongest pieces I've ever written--which is why I wanted to post it on this blog despite not being entertainment-related. Anyways, check out my article after the image break and feel free to reach out to me via Twitter if you share(d) any of the same post-grad feelings.

Too true.

Get into a good school. Get good grades. Get an internship. Graduate. Get a full-time job. Stay there and contribute to your 401k. Retire. Take up a hobby like golf or sailing.

This is how we typically stereotype the lifecycle of a business student, right?

For the longest time I tried to convince myself that I could fit into this business student mold. I graduated from a performing arts high school but I chose to go to a business school because I wanted to prepare myself for the “real world”. I didn’t want to ever worry about not being able to pay for rent because I didn’t book enough acting or singing gigs. I wanted to have the kind of job that I could brag about at reunions—the kind of job that would make my peers look up to me.

My first job out of college was as a front desk customer service rep for a private jet company.

I wore a uniform. I baked cookies and restocked the coffee station. I worked the night shift and didn’t get holidays off. Whenever friends invited me to hangouts, I declined because I had work. But to be frank, I was relieved whenever I had to work during these hangouts. I cringed at the thought of catching up with my college friends because I was worried they would judge me. I went out of my way to avoid unnecessary social interactions because I feared that first question people tend to ask post-grads:

“So what are you doing now?”

Why we don’t ask people how they’re doing instead of what they’re doing, I’ll never understand, but that’s beside the point. I was ashamed of my job and myself because I failed to fit into my alma mater’s idea of a “successful” graduate. It was as if I had traveled back in time to elementary school, but instead of bringing home a failed exam for my parents to sign, I had to tell people what I was doing for a living.

In retrospect, I really had no reason to be ashamed of myself. For one, I had a legitimate job--something that a lot of people would actually kill for. I also earned enough to afford moving out of my parents’ home in New Jersey. I had more freedom than I gave myself credit for, but whenever people asked about my job, I always downplayed it because I thought that I could do better. I thought I could get a better job that would move me higher up in society’s pecking order.

What was paradoxical about my desire to “move up” is that deep down, I don’t care about how impressive my job is. I don’t want to be a CEO or a rockstar. As long as I make enough money to buy avocadoes regularly and pay for the roof over my head, I’m happy. My problem was and still is that I care way too much about what people think of me. I hate to scare the current seniors who may be reading this, but this insecurity intensified after I graduated from Bentley. I felt like everything I did or at least mentioned on social media would be under a microscope.

“Did you hear that Jenn’s moving back to Massachusetts? She seems to be doing well.”

“Yeah but did you hear what she’s coming back here for? To work at a front desk. Paid four years worth of Bentley’s tuition and that’s all she has to show for it.”

Imaginary conversations like that would run through my head constantly. I knew people would never say those things to my face, but what about behind my back? And the friends I had in college, were they still supportive of me or were they also judging me? At that point, my social anxiety became so strong that I began to agree with the voices from those imaginary conversations. But not all hope was lost for me. I distinctly remember the day I had a conversation much like the ones that played out in my head, but this time, it was in the ever-so scary “real world”.

I had to get my eyeglass prescription updated and the only optometrist nearby that accepted walk-ins was Costco (don’t judge me, I was desperate). When I first met my optometrist, we hit it off right away. After getting over the initial “My, what crazy weather we’re having!” small talk, I piqued her interest when I started telling her about work. One of the few perks about my old job, besides the free parking at Logan Airport, was that from time to time I was able to spot a celebrity or two walk into my place of work. Needless to say, we became chummy when I told her that Jake Gyllenhaal once gave me an acknowledging head nod.

But soon, the dynamic between my optometrist and I shifted when I arrived to a follow-up appointment wearing my Bentley hoodie.

“You went to Bentley University?”

“Yeah, actually just graduated last May!”

“Oh, wow! So your current job at the airport is not...permanent...right? I mean, not to downplay what you do, but Bentley is a good school.”

At that moment, my selective hearing started kicking in. For the first time since graduation, I wasn’t depressed or anxious, I was angry. She had the audacity to tell me, a person whom she had just met, that my job wasn’t up to my college’s standards. I mean, it was one thing to hear that in the imaginary conversations, but to hear it coming from a real, live, human being made my blood boil. I laughed off her question and went away with my updated glasses as quickly and politely as I could. Thank God working in customer service has taught me how to keep my cool even when I’m fuming.

And then it all just clicked. I realized how silly it was to worry about what other people thought of my job or where I went to school because all that really matters is what I think about me. Sure, the social status of my old job wouldn’t make Bentley’s Career Services clamor to get me as a guest speaker for an event, but it was a solid job that taught me interpersonal skills I could’ve never fully grasped from any college course.

If you read this far, you might’ve noticed that I used the term “old job” a lot.

So what am I doing now?

Well if you didn’t already know, I’m still working in customer service, but for a software company in good old Waltham. This time around, I love telling people about my job. So much so that I’m worried I sound like a broken record whenever I talk about a delicious panini I had from my office park’s cafeteria or ridiculous customers like this one I had to work with who didn’t quite understand that using Windows XP in this day and age is considered outdated.

I can’t believe that just a few months ago, I was so entrenched in the thought that as soon as I graduated from college, the real world meant that I had to rise above my peers in order to be considered “successful”.

What we have to understand is that in addition to there not being only one path to success, there is also not one absolute definition of success. Success for someone else could mean earning enough money to retire early and finally become the pro-golfer they’ve always dreamed of being. But for me? For me, success means knowing I’m surrounded by people who truly care about me and being able to say that I’m proud of myself.

Would I say that I’m successful?

I’ll end this with my short answer: absolutely.